February Schedule, Plans and General News

Remember that announcement I said I was making soon, like, uh a month and a half ago? Well, this is it!

== Streaming Schedule ==

Obviously I wanted to make this quite some time ago, but for one reason or another, I’ve been putting it off. Now though, I feel comfortable and ready to commit to things going forward. There’ll still be times where I need to cancel or change plans at short notice, but for the majority of time I’ll be sticking to an actual stable schedule!

So without further ado… the schedule!

That’s right, Hit the Deck is back, now in it’s second season! The illuminating Vaygrim will be joining me for most episodes, and we’re going to be expanding out to cover Brawl as well (hence moving to a Wednesday for that sweet Brawl queue). I’m hoping to cover some of the lore of Magic, as well as current events as part of Hit the Deck too!

Sunday nights will feature a rotation of 2, maybe 3 games – currently I’m alternating between Bioshock Remastered and Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order. If you’ve missed any of the previous sessions you can catch up in my VODs over on Twitch!

 

== Youtube Content ==

For those of you unaware, I’ve been (sporadically) producing videos for YouTube for an ASMR channel – you can find the link over on my Links page. I want to continue doing this through this year, however I will be focusing on Public Domain books rather than copyrighted works – sorry for those of you wanting the rest of the Harry Potter series. In honesty, the constant threat of a takedown decimating the entire channel is one of the reasons I’ve struggled to finish the first book and make other content, so to ease that anxiety I’m taking the safer but less popular route.

I also want to start producing information and instructional videos for various games – I’m thinking deck guides for Magic the Gathering: Arena, Class guides for World of Warcraft\Final Fantasy XIV, maybe mod guides for Minecraft? I’m not entirely sure what to do beyond deck guides, so any suggestions\requests welcome.

I’ll be aiming for one video every other week, alternating between the ASMR and Gaming channels, to begin with. Once I’m comfortable and consistent I’ll re-evaluate and look to increase the production.

 

== Patreon ==

I’ve also revamped my Patreon tiers and goals! Gone are the half a dozen tiers, now I have 3 simple tiers. I’m open to suggestions for rewards that could be added to them if theres something a bunch of you would like to see.

You can find the link over on my Links page!

 

== Merchandise ==

I have a bunch of fantastic new artwork coming, as well as some older pieces that I plan on using to create some new merch… so I’m planning a revamp of the whole store. Keep your eyes peeled for updates!

 

Phew! I think thats everything I’m able to announce right now… As always, if you’ve any questions, comments or concerns, poke me on Discord or @ me on Twitter and I’ll get back to you!

I’m Trunks and thanks for reading!

Trunks Talks 2

Note: As with the previous post, this went out to my social media early October and is simply here for posterity and in the interest of having everything in one place =)
I’m not really sure where to begin, it’s been a long time since I last talked and a lot has happened, and nothing has happened at the same time.
As with my last post, some disclaimers and clarifications:
This is not a cry for help. I’m seeing a psychologist. This is not a cry for attention. It’s not aimed at making you feel sorry or sympathetic towards me. I’m not assigning blame – if you were involved in any of the events I mention, I’ve already forgiven and moved on – I’m just focused on making things manageable and liveable.
This is a statement of fact. This is me, making people aware that sometimes, I need a little help. More than that, I hope this will help anyone who reads it feel less alone, or give them a little added courage to speak up and help themselves.
I can’t promise this will be easy to read. It certainly wasn’t easy to write. But the words have been stuck inside me again, trying to get out, for so long now. I need to get this out.
A few weeks after my last post, after a session with my psychologist I was told I strongly present with symptoms of both Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Agoraphobia. The latter I kinda expected – and I don’t think anyone that knows me will argue overly about it. The former, however, kinda threw me for a loop. PTSD was for soldiers and military personnel, people risking their lives day in, day out, not for middle aged men who’d been bullied at school.
That’s what I kept telling myself, anyway. But I started reading up on both conditions, started seeing definite similarities in what was reported and what I’d been experiencing, and slowly, I came to sortof accept it.
I had another mental break during August\September, when I started considering the question of whether I was ready to go back to Uni this year. I thought I was, until the question was asked… And then I started to think about the various ways that I’d changed since my last attempt. I’ve lost whatever part of me that held the genius you’re all so accustomed to me having. I can’t look at something and instantly know what’s wrong, how to fix it and figure out a dozen ways to improve it. I can’t glance at a spreadsheet of numbers and spot the odd ones out. I can’t take two pieces of disparate information and figure out what links them. Worst of all, I can’t retain new information. I can’t learn. My one passion, the thing that gave me most joy in life, is gone to me. I hope it’ll come back, but I don’t know right now.
But if you never try, you’ll always fail, right? That was my thinking anyway, and back to Uni I went. Most of you can probably guess that didn’t exactly go to plan, but I thought having structure, deadlines, etc would help focus my mind and kinda force it back into more familiar working patterns. I wasn’t expecting everything to be back to normal, but I wanted to capture a bit of that normalcy.
I failed. I’ve found I can’t move smoothly from one point to another, linking them and doing whatever else to make that transition (One reason this post is far more rambley then my last one), I look at code that I’ve been living and breathing for decades and it’s double dutch to me. None of the papers I’ve read or tried to read stick in my head. It’s all so *frustrating* and it gets more so every time I try and fail.
And then we come to this week. Fuck this week. Although, I guess my issue began last week, so fuck that week too. It started simply, a sleepless night. Then the next. It wasn’t till I woke up in the middle of the night I realised I’d been having a recurring dream – a nightmare – for the past few days. I won’t go into details, suffice to say I was having it and it seriously fucked me up, both mentally and emotionally.
And finally, to add the shitty cherry atop this shitcake of a week, my partner of the past 9 months, the girl I love dearly and my grounding point for all those months, realised that her own mental health situation was not conducive to being the partner she wanted to be, and we’ve agreed to take a step back for a bit. It’s a better outcome than I expected, and while not a loss, I still feel the void left. It’s super recent though, so I have a feeling that my feelings haven’t really solidified around this…
*sigh* Anyway… right now I’m basically an emotional and mental husk, the lack of sleep pretty much draining any energy I’d have, and the various events sapping my will and desire to do anything anyway. It’s been a long week. I’ve cried, I’ve self-harmed, I’ve lain helplessly in bed… But apparently, I’m a stubborn bastard, so I’m still here. And I will be, till there ain’t no here to be no more.
Thank y’all for list-er, reading my ramble. This has, once again, been a Trunks Talks.

Trunks Talks 1

Note: This was posted to my social media late July, I’m simply adding a copy here for posterity and in the interest of keeping everything together =)
Hi! My name is Trunks9809, and I suffer from anxiety and depression. Some of you already know this, some probably suspect, and for others this will be news. Hell, some people will probably see this post and wonder why they’ve not seen me in years.
This aims to shed some light on that and how these conditions have and are affecting my life. But before we get to that, I want to make it clear:
This is not a cry for help. I’m seeing a psychologist. This is not a cry for attention. It’s not aimed at making you feel sorry or sympathetic towards me. I’m not assigning blame – if you were involved in any of the events I mention, I’ve already forgiven and moved on – I’m just focused on making things manageable and liveable.
This is a statement of fact. This is me, making people aware that sometimes, I need a little help. More than that, I hope this will help anyone who reads it feel less alone, or give them a little added courage to speak up and help themselves.
I can’t promise this will be easy to read. It certainly wasn’t easy to write. But the words have been stuck inside me, trying to get out, for so long now. I need to get this out.
So where do I start? I guess the beginning is most appropriate… Which is unfortunate, as I can’t really remember a lot before the early 2000s. I have some memories that stand out, and if someone were to prod my recollections by asking about something, I can normally pull it back, but normal, day-to-day operations, most of my past is unavailable to me. But even though I don’t remember the specifics, those events still affect me to this day – years of abuse, mental, physical and emotional – going back as far as I can remember, both at school and at home. It took me years to realise that its wasn’t the actual namecalling, or beatings that caused the problem – it was the emotions behind it.
See, when you’re constantly bombarded with negative emotions, and have very few positive ones, you start believing that all emotions, all feelings, are bad, and not something you want. You start closing yourself off, becoming distant and unfeeling, because the alternative is terrifying and painful. For those that have known me a long time, this probably sounds pretty familiar, because its a cycle I’ve been repeating, unconsciously, for years. And I’m sorry, if I ever did that to you. Know that it wasn’t anything you did (or didn’t do!), it’s just how my brain responds to feelings. To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t even aware of it until a few weeks ago when the whole subject of emotions came up in a psychology session.
Ontop of the bullying and abuse, there was all the standard growing up stuff – made especially difficult since we moved a few times while I was growing up, meaning I swapped schools twice, once in Primary and once in Secondary. This is where the beginnings of my anxiety come from. I have both general and social anxiety disorders, with a tendency to disasterfy things I’m worried about. In short, I worry about things that haven’t happened yet, and amplify the consequences to the worst possible outcome. I’ve seen myself imagining full blown conversations, multiple times, trying to think of every angle so I feel prepared. Fuck knows how I’ve ever successfully made it through a job interview, but I have. I get super nervous when I know there are people behind me and I can’t see them – if you’ve ever been out someplace with me, you might’ve noticed I’ll normally sit in a corner, or with my back to a wall. That’s why. If I’ve ever made plans with you and cancelled last minute, thats the anxiety overcoming the rest of my minds ability to logically think things through – and I’m sorry for doing that.
Over the past ten years, I’ve had a number of mental breaks, some harder than others. I’m not going to get into the circumstances of each, because these I can actually remember and they’re still jagged, sharp painful memories. Some of you will know about these, especially those I work with, but they’re not really something I’ve been overly open about until now. However, each has had a profound effect on my life, the way I act and perceive things. These are also the times I’ve struggled most, fallen furthest and frankly, done the most harm to myself – I’ve self-harmed frequently, and made serious attempts to end my life during these periods. I’ve got this under control at the moment, and I am getting help – please don’t worry.
Theres a concept I keep using to try and convey the depth and utter helplessness of depression – to me, depression is a well. A deep, dark well. If you’ve seen Dark Knight Rises, the 3rd Bale Batman film, imagine the prison from that film, but in utter darkness. Depending on how stable I am, I’m at different points in the climb up that well. I’ve yet to make it to the top, and at my worst, usually when I’m having a mental break and the recovery period afterwards, I’m at the bottom. Life at the bottom of the well is basically just existing to prolong your existence. Your energy is gone, motivation zero, paranoia turned up to 11 and the world feels dead and colourless. To feel like you’ve nothing left, to be so desperate to get out of that dismal, dark place… you contemplate a lot of things. I used to think the depths of depression could be communicated, but over the years I’ve changed my stance on this. Until you’ve personally been there, at the bottom of that well, unable to see which way is up because of the darkness, left with no other outs… you can never understand what it’s like.
I’ve rambled for quite a bit, so if you’re still here, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for reading. I don’t know if what I’ve been saying will make sense to everyone, but I’m so tired of hiding, tired of pretending everything is okay when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Where am I today, you might ask? I’m not quite at the bottom of the well anymore – I’ve had a lot of help and support in starting to climb out of there. I struggle still, with basic day to day things – I frequently forget to eat, to drink. Sleep is a distant memory most of the time. My anxiety is so on edge I can’t leave the flat most days, and the times I do it’s to an appointment, or because I’ve got someone with me, physically reassuring me that I’ll be okay. Which is frustrating as all shit, because there are things I’d love to do, places I’d love to go, events I want nothing more than to attend, but I can’t.
For those I used to work with, I’m sorry I haven’t said anything sooner, I’ve had a lot I needed to get out but no real idea where to start – I was made redundant at the beginning of June. I was off sick from June 18 mostly through to around April 19, so if you’re wondering why you haven’t seen me… there it is. To everyone else, I’m super sorry for how distant I’ve been, for events I’ve missed and everything. I want to change that, I just need to do so slowly so I don’t take on too much at once and end up sliding back down my climb. Hopefully this has helped you understand what I’m going through.
I know there are folks here who are suffering similar conditions to varying degrees, to you I say this: Don’t be silent. Speak up, start getting the help you need to start your climb. I know it’s not easy, I do, but once you make that first step, things will get better. If you, or any of my friends, needs someone to talk to about any of this, my messages are open.
Thanks for listening, this has been a Trunks Talks (for a change).